Hal Sparks


Hal Sparks Photo


I accidentally discovered an extraordinarily funny comedian named Hal Sparks a while back. He was the newest host of E!'s "Talk Soup". After a year, he decided to leave and ended up on Showtime's contraversial show "Queer as Folk". This talented comedian is armed with a sense of humor that's been described as "pee in your pants funny" and has that "boy next door" look and charm. Hal isn't afraid to do whatever it takes to get a laugh. From sporting fishnet stockings and heels to meowing like a cat, nothing seems to limit him.

I say I accidentally discovered him because I never meant to watch "Talk Soup" again. I had been a fan from 1992-94, but eventually got busy with other things. I somehow stumbled across John's last day as host and hoped I would never again stumble across Channel 59 in fear that I would once again like another "Talk Soup" host. When I finally did (about 3 weeks later), my worst fears came to life. Dangit, I got hooked on Sparks!! Sparks sounds like a drug and for me. He IS a drug for me! Within' seconds of seeing him, I was addicted. I had that "What the hell is he doing?" look on my face (but with a smile). I laughed. Good God, I laughed! I quickly found that with Hal, you couldn't afford to miss a show because you never knew what the boy was going to do!

I record highlights and as you can see below, have recorded many sound clips that I thought you might enjoy. The quality is the same for each clip, so if you don't like the first one you try, I'm afraid you aren't going to like the rest either. I would suggest downloading the smallest clip and seeing if you like the quality (kinda loud), before continuing to download clips. They sounded great on my brother's Macintosh, but come on...it's a Mac! Everything is just better on a Mac. If any links (for sounds or anything else) doesn't work, just drop me a note and I'll fix it.Anyway, I've also included links to other sites that you might be interested in. I will try to maintain this as long as I can though updates will be few and far between. If you'd like to request a clip (and if I've got it), I'll be happy to put it up. These clips were all trimmed for size. Also, if you want your site listed in the Links area, please provide your name and details so it won't just say "Another Hal Sparks site". Grouchie ass.


ARTICLES/INTERVIEWS

E's Interview with Hal
"Tea with Ted" Q & A


SOUNDS

SHORT CLIPS (less than 50K)

"Later" (15 K)
"Good Morning!" (17 K)
"Oh yeh!" (27 K)
"Who are these women?!" (27 K)
"Hey Scoob!" (33 K)
"Yes, it's true" (34 K)
"Yummy" (35 K)
"I love you" (38 K)
"What?! Who?! Huh?!" (38 K)
"I ruled the Cook County Jail!" (43 K)
"I will not be outdone by a clip" (43 K)
"So when did you start to hate your mother?" (49 K)



IMPERSONATIONS

Andy Rooney (367 K)
Katherine Hepburn (107 K)
Mick Jagger (150 K)



LONGER CLIPS (over 50K)

(LAUGH) "Gotcha!"
(65 K)

(SINGING) "I don't wanna wait, for our lives to be over. *Honk*"
(97 K)

"She's kind of listed the port there. Ahhhh! Oh the fun we have."
(97 K)

"Here's his mom (LAUGHING) trying to defend her son's bad deeds. Banana bad."
(103 K)

"You peeked! (LAUGHING) Get out of here! Get out of the studio!"
(106 K)

"You look good. I mean real good. I mean...bad good."
(108 K)

"To me, he's just another incredibly handsome Latin crooner with a large, conspicuous mole on his face"
(108 K)

"But years ago, she was just a horny little girl, just like you and me. Wait..I didn't say that right. Okay."
(114 K)

Welcome back to Talk Soup. I'm Hal Sparks, boy genious.....potty mouth"
(117 K)

(ADORABLE VOICE) "Move out of the way" *Thud* Tom: "Here look..you get a banana. Good boy"
(118 K)

(AS PSYCHO's NORMAN BATES) "Time for our Talk Soup, Quote of the Week"
(119 K)

"I'm a young man. There's so much hormonal activity in my body, my underwear always has that fresh from the dryer feeling"
(122 K)

"Hey Fred, stay put" Fred: "Roger that" " (LAUGH) I got a special something, something just for you, baby."
(124 K)

(MOUTH NOISES) "How often do you get to taste this part of your face though? Most people don't ever get to taste their cheek...and no."
(135 K)

"A man masturbates with peanut butter..hopefully not the chunky kind." Tom: "Well that clip, I" (LAUGH) "I'm not that...that's not me!"
(141 K)

"All you have to do is point and laugh (SILLY LAUGHING)"
(150 K)

"Uhh..this X-Show highlight reminds me of a few of my dates. It features lovely women in lingerie, screaming at the top of their lungs."
(162 K)

"Oops. (IMPERSONATING BOB DOLE) This..this is Bob Dole for hover disfunction. Nothing to be ashamed of...happen to anybody"
(167 K)

"In just a mominet, en am moment (lAUGHING). Sorry. It's our soup of the day. You don't wanna know what's in it. Believe me."
(167 K)

(GAGGING AND SPITTING NOISES) "What a shock! Bull balls don't taste good?! What?! Get out of town! Stop it!"
(168 K)

"Normally at this time, I'd open up some Viewer Mail and answer the question in the form of a zany sketch (DORKY LAUGH) Oh..Monkey boy, Monkey boy!"
(178 K)

(WITH MUSIC FROM "PSYCHO AS NORMAN BATES) "Don't punch the nice man, Norman. What an adorable child"
(178 K)

"Hey don't forget, every weeknight at 8 o' clock we'll have a brand-spankin' new show for ya.....I said spankin'.....Bye!"
(181 K)

"I so wanna do this...toss in, as Snoop Dog. He also seems to be tweakin' on Hostess fruit pies or somethin' cause he's one ansy little twitchbisket. Anyway.."
(213 K)

"I do not wanna see Judge Mills Lane go nuts. (IMPERSONATING JUDGE LANE) Shut up! Shut up! All you personalities shut up. Nobody talks while the judge is going crazy"
(216 K)

"Uhh..'Cause there's nothing more romantic on your wedding night than porn....wedding porn. So sweet. Anyway, before they knew it, they'd done the nasty. Oops!"
(219 K)

(SINGING) "Outside, inside...livin' la viva vulva. Outside. (LAUGHING) Wednesday, Conan welcomes John Sebastian of the J. Band. I had to do it 'cause of the shirt."
(221 K)

(BABY TALK) "That's a good little viewer. You stayed tuned to "Talk Soup" through all the commercials. Bless your heart! Bless your little bottom! Bless your little bootie loo"
(224 K)

"See ya later. That's nice. Why'd you stop?! Why is it that when they start getting gushy, they stop?? Like I should stop getting gushy. But when they start yelling at you, it goes on forever!"
(236 K)

What a frumpy name for a Drag Queen! Whatever happened to a names like Esmeralda and Tiara, and Queen Fabulous?! I'm Queen Fabulous...have you seen my retainer?"
(240 K)

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! And then the judge would have killed him and we all would have laughed and laughed and laughed. (SILLY LAUGHING) Oh, the fun we have!"
(250 K)

(Southern accent) "In the animal world, there's no such thing as sexual harrassment. When a tiger needs to do it, he does it and then he hears Tarzan go.." (TOM YELLS AND YIPES) (HAL LAUGHS) "It's just a fact of nature, kids"
(258 K)

Mounds! (laughing) (singing) Sometimes you feel like a nut bom! bom! Sometimes you don't. (CLAPS) Almond Joy's got nuts. Mounds don't! Well, Craig don't (LAUGH AND LIP SMACK)"
(267 K)

Of course, my favorite outfit is of course the just..my shorts and my socks. Black socks and big..tightie whities. Isn't that sexy?! Oh"
(277 K)

(BABY TALK) "Ahhhh! Gross! Can we see it again?! (LAUGHING) Oh here it comes. Oh man. (MAKING RIPPING NOISES) Ahh! That eye waxing is fantastic."
(296 K)
(Southern accent) "Hey there, it's your old buddy Hal Sparks. You shot me in the ass with an air rifle. You remember that? That hurt man. It hurt me right here." Tom: "That's not your arse" (HAL LAUGHS)
(302 K)

"Maybe she'll explain how she can call herself Julie's friend when she's totally hooking up with Ben, acting like she's all Miss Nice and stuff! My God, I turned into Tom Green for a second there. How come she can say that if she didn't say that?!!"
(304 K)

"..in black, in the sack. (??? glad to be back) 'Cause I'm...Hal Sparks! I eat sharks! Swimmin' around in the under..I'm sorry.........FIRE!! (LAUGH)"
(334 K)

"Friends, it's a mixed up crazy world we live in, with things getting curiouser and curiouser..by the minute (LAUGHING). Shure..ture...sure. What with the cloned sheep and that Ricky Martin...person. Who knows what'll be next?"
(339 K)

"They're scoring a lot of porn these days. (SINGING) Ya see her lover standing there...just off camera without a care. And a man turns to her and say's..Give me a job. That's just the way porn is. Some things'll never change."
(344 K)

(RAPPING) "I know you think I'm from Mars. Turns out I'm from Venus. Got everything you want, except for a penis. Snoop you old doooog. Bow wow wow yippee yo yippee ya bow wow yippee yo yippe ya. (RAP NOISES)"
(383 K)

"They're working on a new uh Brandy car alarm. Ahhh swear on your kid's life! Ahhh swear on your kid's..You want my kids to die? You want my kids to die? (ALARM NOISE) Get out! Get out! Get..Step away from the kid. You are too close to the kid. You are protected by Brandy"
(404 K)

"The Bill of Rights guarantees Americans certain unalienable rights. The Right to touch your genitals..I'm sorry I'm stuck on the...The Right to pursue happiness..The Right to free speech. The Right to..arm bears. But not the Right to go around smellin' stinky. Stinkin' the place up. You can't do that. You can't stink up the place."
(415 K)

"Lucy is upset. It seems everytime she goes to the kitchen to make a sandwhich, her boyfriend is busy masturbating with the peanut butter. Mmmm...DAMNIT! Apparently, his strange practice also includes meat products." Tom: "Like Spam?" "I don't know. I don't want to know."
(423 K)

"Oh what a piece of work is that boy. How noble in reason. How infinite in faculty in form and moving. How express and admirable in action. How like an angel in apprehension. How like a God!! (LAUGHING) That kid's gonna get his ass kicked on the playground...EVERY DAY"
(440 K)



HAL SPARKS (THE LINKS)

The Official Hal Sparks Page
This page was created and is maintained by Hal Sparks. Is there anything the guy CAN'T do?!

Join the Hal Sparks Fan Club!
Created by "Dr.Hud", this Club is now over 200 members strong. Member privileges include a Photo Gallery, Message Boards, and a Chat Area. The real Hal Sparks is actually a member of the club! I'm so glad he's a fan. He has great taste!!

HALlelujah (Unofficial Hal Sparks Website)
Maintained by Tiffany, find pictures of Hal hosting the show, a Bio, Interviews and Articles, her favorite Hal Quotes, Multimedia clips, and a chance to read about other Hal Sparks fans

(H.A.L) High Assembly Language
Maintained by Lindsey, find .wav files, successfully stolen photos, surveys, links, and quotes

Hal's Angels
Maintained by Cassie, find information on how to join the "Hal's Angels" mailing list, a Message Board to give Hal and fellow fans a shout, a Bio, and an opportunity to read about just who Hal's Angels are

Hal Sparks In Drag
Just what the name says...see Hal Sparks graphically altered in various women's clothing.

The Ultimate Hal Sparks Fan Page
Find a growing collection of hosting photos, taken by the web owner

Spal Harks
Maintained by Julie, find some .wav files from the show as well as Links to other Hal/Talk Soup sites

Hal Sparks
Maintained by Alison, find .wav files as well as photos of Hal (and John)

A Hal Sparks site
Find some facts about our beloved Hal Sparks

Another Hal Sparks Site
Find facts and photos. The web owner mentions an Interview with Hal is soon to come



STILL UNDER CONSTRUCTION (LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE)






Drop me an email...I'd love to hear from you.

Alicks Ann
PhilnDanny@yahoo.com